I've been debating

whether to say anything or not - but what the heck!  I guess I will. 

In my previous post, I complained about my boss being gone.  He still isn't back full-time yet.  And I'm really frustrated.  He is trying to come back for a few hours each day, but he hasn't made it every day.  For seven weeks I have been busy busy busy at work - and it has spilled over into my home life.  And I don't like it.  If I were getting my bosses wages, maybe I'd be a bit happier about it.  But, since I'm doing his job AND my job for nothing more (not even a thank you), it is frustrating.  I'm tired of taking minutes - I've gone to more meetings in the last 7 weeks than I ever wanted to and I've got 2 more meetings next week (unless my boss decides to take pitty on me and work for those few hours instead of in the office in the mornings).  So, I'm bound to be extremely cranky for the next couple of weeks.

I guess the stress at work affected me more than I thought it had.  I mean - I've been under more stress in the past and nothing has changed.

So imagine my surprise (and hope) when my period doesn't start.  (Okay - maybe this is too much information).  I thought that FINALLY I was pregnant.  I was SURE I was pregnant.  In between being cranky about all the work that had to be done at work and what I had to keep putting off because there wasn't time, I was practically giddy thinking that we were going to have another baby.  I was seriously planning on what to do in the other bedroom - what color to paint, do I put beadboard up or something else?  But I didn't want to get my hopes up and I'd talk myself into actually not wanting to have a baby - because I didn't want to be disappointed again.  Home tests came out negative - but there was no period and I was feeling a few symptoms so I kept thinking that maybe I was.

But guess what!  Yep - no baby.  I called a doctor and went in for a test and it was negative. Guess those "symptoms" were all in my head.  I barely made it off the phone before I started crying.  I was a mess - really.  But luckily I was at home when they called and luckily Tim was gone so he wouldn't see me as a blubbering idiot.  I'm okay now - for the most part.  I keep asking myself why would i want one anyway.  Heck - babies cry and babies poop and babies are expensive.  And what if we get another child like Ster - one that is cute as can be one second and then driving us crazy the next with his crankiness and stubbornness?  Why do I want to start the whole baby thing again - the $500 a month in day care, the diapers, the baby food, sleepless nights, me cringing anytime a toddler wobbles.  Really - we are too old for this.  Grandparents don't have babies.  Sometimes I have to keep repeating the reasons not to have another child.

It would probably surprise a lot of people if they knew I wanted a baby.  I've always said that one child is enough - that I didn't want anymore.  I would laugh any suggestions off - but I just didn't want to admit that we have been trying and nothing is happening.  I never intended to have just one - I've always wanted three (I guess I do have my three - ster and two step-kids).  But I guess it isn't in the cards for me to have another.

Oh well.  Life goes on.