Ooooohhhhh - my heart broke

Most of you may know that Ster has had some issues with his speech. And his reading. If I could turn back time, say 4 years, I'd have worked harder with my sweet, little boy. I'd have worked my tail end off helping him learn to read. I may not have had any hair left, but I'd have gladly pulled it out if it meant he could read better. I just didn't know how much they were supposed to have learned by the time they moved onto first grade. What an idiot I was! I thought we were just sailing along just fine. I knew he had a speech problem and I was focused on trying to help him say his words correctly. I mean, it was cute when he was 4 that he couldn't say "helicopter" but at 6 he really needed to learn how to say it right! We also found out (thanks to his 1st grade teacher) that he has a language problem - he doesn't speak his sentences properly.

Ster had a wonderful 1st grade teacher. She brought to my attention that Ster just wasn't quite up to speed. I mean, it was quite embarrassing to go to the first parent teacher conference and be told that your son is at a -1 reading level when he should have been at a level 4 to start 1st grade (and it was 2 months into the year). He should be able to read what??? Ouch. But I figured it was something we could work on. I'd pull my hair out trying to help him get thru his books - but we were trying. Still, it was kind of a shock when his teacher calls me and tells me that he isn't working at school - that he wouldn't work unless she was standing right next to him helping him. She said we needed to see if we could get him some help to catch him up. So, out comes the checkbook and we pay for a tutor. But it was so worth it! Another 1st grade teacher offered to help - and he really did blossom with her. He caught right up in math and started to work on his own in class. I think he just needed to get some confidence. But he was still oh-so-far behind with reading. His teacher suggested getting him tested for learning disabilities but I was naive and thought he just needed extra help, that he just catch on at some point. I'd fooled myself, that's for sure!

So here we are, over half way thru the school year and guess what? Ster is still behind. I did put him in with an amazing reading tutor and he has blossomed. But he still struggles and is still behind. He can spell - boy can he spell! He gets 100% on his spelling tests. You ask him to spell a word and if it is something that was on his list (some words that aren't on his list, too, but were words that he read the day before) he could whip out the spelling! Give him the list of spelling words to read and he stumbles and can't say them correctly. He just can't read well at all. How frustrating - for him and us!

So, we had him tested for a disability. So, our sweet, little boy was tested. Now, school has always come easy for me, so I admit it was really hard to hear that my child - my dear, sweet little boy - has "below average" intelligence. Wow. It hurts just to write it! He is a grade behind in reading, a grade and a half behind in writing, and a grade behind in Math (just because he can add and subtract - quite well, too - doesn't mean he is up to speed!). He isn't comprehending what he is reading - and that is affecting all areas of learning. He does have a learning disability - something that he will struggle with his entire life, but hopefully the extra help he gets now will help make learning easier in the future. But he will struggle - and so will I (because I can't teach or explain things very well so that will be a challenge). We'll be working extra hard with him. If I tell him something or read it to him, he can verbally answer but he struggles with writing an answer down. So, he is now in resource. I remember kids who were in research were always "weird" and sometimes made fun of (not by me). So now I worry that he'll be teased - but let me tell you I will have no problems beating the crap out of a little kid who teases my son. Seriously. I will. I so will beat 'em up!

My heart did break Sunday night after a little conversation:
Ster: My friend Nate in class is smartest. Brexton is second smartest.
Me: Really?
Ster: Yep. Nate's the smartest and Brexton is second smartest. I'm last.
Me: What? (I was shocked and didn't know what to say)
Ster: I'm last.

Broke my heart. We had a talk about how people have different strengths and that learning comes easier to some. But it sure did break my heart!